Baby You Were My Picket Fence
by Brannasaurus Rex
Summary: In which Natsu is a Master Storyteller and Lucy is not sure the story he tells his children is what should be qualified as a Fairy Tale. NALU AU Rated M for Language and Brief Sexual References


**I.**

 _(oh I hoped for your name on the Ouija Board,_ _and your naked magic, oh dear Lord)_

Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful young princess. She lived alone in a castle guarded by a fearsome dragon.

Her father had placed her there, in hopes that she'd finally come to her senses and marry already so he could retire and hand over this kingdom to his daughter so he could go on permanent vacation from these crazy ass people demanding less taxes and more meat. Which he couldn't supply of course because he didn't have enough money to just buy a shit ton of meat when taxes weren't taken.

Which turns out he was a fat king who only pretended to be good so that he wasn't shanked by a pitchfork. In the end, he was shanked by a longsword because the pirate life didn't turn out well for him anyway.

So basically the hope of the whole kingdom rested on this princesses shoulders and she didn'tt actually give a damn. All the men who courted her were pompous fools and cliche. She didn't really have a thing for princes anyway. Ever since she was little, reading books she shouldn't have, she grew a nasty kink for bad ass guys who didn't kiss girls palms and rather screwed them in nearby taverns.

So the king of the Heart Kingdom was a lazy, rich fat ass who was self-centered and eventually died stupidly, and his daughter was a horny princess who was locked up in a tower, which no one could actually find.

So, since the princess couldn't get out of her hellhole she found other sources of entertainment.

I mentioned the fearsome dragon but I also forgot to mention he was actually a smokin' hot guy who had lived with dragons and somehow inherited fire power through lizard voodoo.

So yeah, the bad-ass loving princess was left alone in a castle with a total hunk. What do you expect happened?

She didn't stay the pure princess the Kingdom waiting for her thought she was.

Oh the sex. It was marvelous. Sex in the nice king sized bed, in the large showers, in wooden chairs(that didn't last long, the only thing they got from it was matching bruises on their foreheads), against the wall, under the table, on the table, in the kitchen sink, in the broom closet and practically every room in the large castle.

Two horndogs just living up to their reputations.

It was glorious. So were her big boobs. They were so big, they spilled out of his hands.

Also his salmon hair was fucking lit as fuck.

So they pretty much never left that castle, and still have great sex romps in the bathroom every so often.

"Natsu, I swear to all things good, if you don't quit telling our children these ridiculous lies, I'll make you do all the chores in the house twice."

"Aww, comeon Lucy, I washed the dishes today, without breaking any."

"That's because the dishes aren't made of breakable material. You broke the last glass cup last week, I decided to resort to plastic."

He mumbled curses under his breath, turning back to the two seven-month old twins before him. Their eyes were wide as the occasional chew wiggled the pacifiers in their mouths.

"Ok, ok so maybe she's not a legitimate princess and we don't live in a castle, but she still has a kink for bad-asses like me and our sex is off the charts."

He leaned closer towards his kids, checking over his shoulder before whispering down at their sleepy forms.

"She may not be a real princess, but she is to me. I'm just lucky she chose the dragon."

After lingering above the slumbering babies for a long moment, he slipped through the door, leaving it cracked a few centimeters.

As he heaved a sigh and turned, he nearly jumped out of his skin as he came face to face with his beloved blonde wife.

The smirk on her face showed just how much she had heard him say, her brown eyes filled dangerously with desire.

"So, I'm a princess to you?"

"No, why would you think that?"

"That's alright, I'll just go out and find myself a prince."

He swept her into his arms, bringing his lips firmly against hers. In surprise she muffled a gasp and roughly punched his chest in faked anger.

"Fine, you win. Can we go to bed now?"

His brows wiggled.

Her nose scrunched in disgust.

"Ugh, fine."

They weren't really fans of cliche fairy tails anyway.

But for the sake of Lucy's sanity, lets just say they lived Happily Ever After.

Or at least as close as they could get without destroying the whole house in one fell swoop.

He hadn't been lying when he said the sex was marvelous.

* * *

 **I'm back.**

 **Lol I know. What the heck is this?**

 **Thank you for reading.**

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 **~Brannasaurus Rex**


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